Defining Success Across the States

Mammoth, CA

When I was married, I chose to be a “domestic engineer” – smoothly running the household, supporting my husband and raising my boys.  I chose stay-at-home mom, scratch that, “Career Mom” over traditional career.  And now I’m in my 50s hanging out with all sorts of interesting retired people who have time and money to do what they like – travel, play pickleball, take art classes, exercise, golf, ski, work part time, etc.  And while I truly appreciate this time in my life, I often wonder if I missed out on something by not ever having a traditional career.

I ask myself questions like: Can I be retired if I’ve never had a traditional career?  Does it matter?  Am I making enough of a contribution to society?  Am I doing enough meaningful stuff?  Am I successful?  What is success anyway?

So much of our culture is wrapped up in defining success in terms of one’s career.  Because I was a “career mom” and did not have a traditional career, I wanted to explore this idea more.  So, I set out on a two-month journey visiting friends and family across the USA and had informal conversations with them about personal ideas of success and careers, hoping I’d get some clarification of my own feelings on this topic.

I interviewed friends and family asking for their first name, age, occupation, place(s) they call home.  I asked them to define success both now and when they were younger.  I asked them to describe success in any way they wanted.  I also read some books and listened to podcasts on the topic and include some of those quotes here as well.

Ron, 60s, Retired, Reno, Nevada

Q: What is your definition of success?

A: Being able to do what you want to do.   Having the time and money to do what you want to do.

Q: As a younger man what was your definition of success?

A: Then it was about accumulating (money, possessions).

Mindy, 50s. Commercial Airline Pilot, Incline Village, Nevada

Q: What does success mean to you?

A: My kids’ happiness. Period.

Erik. 50s. Hair Stylist/Salon Owner, Reno, Nevada

Success is seeing my kids be alright and go off into the world happily.

As a younger man success was about my ability to help people through their stuff, health issues, divorce, job changes and life challenges.

Unknown

Q: What is success?

A: Having the ability to make choices.

Sylvia. 60s. Retired Office Manager, Reno, Nevada

Q: What is your definition of success?

A: It’s personal. Finding inner peace and acceptance.

And, earlier in my life success was about keeping the office running smoothly.

Dr. Jeff Bogaczyk, From the America Meditating radio show

You have to define success for yourself and not let others define it for you. It’s a trap to let others define it for you.

Jennifer Jo. 52. Research & Development/Gallo Winery, Danville, California

Q: What is your definition of success?

A: It’s personal. Success to me is living an ideal life. An ideal life to me is about time, having the time to do what I want to do, to follow my passions - to be creative, be in nature, be with animals. It is about not letting people down because I don’t have enough time to do what they expect me to do. It is about being the master of my own time and not having others dictate my time.  From an early age I was overly scheduled and felt time was not my own. Success to me is not feeling that way.

Jamie. 52. Health & Wellness Industry, Danville, California

Q: What is your definition of success?

A: It’s personal. It’s spiritual. And when I’m in a spiritual place where I feel inner peace and complete unconditional love for myself and others, I’m successful.  Twenty or thirty years ago it was all about MONEY.  Money in the bank, it didn’t matter how I got it, if I had it, I would have felt successful.

Deepak Chopra. From “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success”

Success in life could be defined as the continued expansion of happiness and the progressive realization of worthy goals.  It is the ability to fulfill your desires with effortless ease.  And yet success, including the creation of wealth, has always been considered to be a process of hard work and at the expense of others.  We need a more spiritual approach to success and to affluence which is the abundant flow of all good things to you.  And, success is a journey, not a destination.

Karen. 54, Air Traffic Controller Manager, Reno, Nevada

Success to me is all about relationships. Relationships I have with my kids, my girlfriends, my husband.  Success is hearing the voices of the people that are closest to me -- when my husband calls me at work, or hearing voices of girlfriends, that’s success.

Twenty years ago, I would have said it was about being a good mother. Thirty years ago, I thought it was about doing really well in my career and being self-sufficient.

David, 57, Retired Air Traffic Controller, Reno, Nevada

Success to me now is about inner peace.  It’s a spiritual path. Success is also about having the time to do what I want. Success is about having enough money to live the life I choose to lead.

Twenty years ago, I was tormented with a disease and a bad marriage, so success to me then would have been some relief from those afflictions.

Hearing a Beatles song or just a feeling of complete ease feels like success now.

Brett, 39, Insurance Agent, Reno, Nevada

Success is being able to do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. It is related to time and money. When I have a 5, 10, 15-year financial plan in place, I feel successful.  Being able to take time out of my day to have a long lunch is success. 

Success would be selling a $1 million policy and then getting in my car and listening to Tom Petty’s “Free Falling.”

Sam, 22, Student, University of Nevada, Reno, Danville, California

Success is doing what you want to do. It’s chasing your hobbies, doing what makes you happy and being good at it.  If you are happy in your job, you are successful.

Five years ago, I would have said success is making a lot of money.  And now I’ve added to that definition.  Listening to the song - “Congratulations” - by Post Malone, that feels like success.

There is no one definition of success, everyone has a different definition of success.

Graham, 24, CNC Operator, Danville and San Diego, CA, Reno, NV

For myself, success is being able to financially support anyone else that’s in my family.  Success is financial stability and seeing the happiness of members of my family that I’m supporting, and it’s also educating those family members.

Q: Has your definition of success changed through the years?

Five years ago, I would have said to be happy is success, or being a rock star, or pro snow boarder, skater or surfer.

Filming my future son or daughter doing a snowboard trick, while I’m riding down the mountain with them, that’s success.

Matt, 36, Explorer

Q: Where is home? 

A: On the mountain or in the water

Q: How do you define success?

A: Freedom.  And happiness with true contentment.  To be able to live on your own terms.

Ten years ago, success was more about achieving financial freedom.

Now success is a feeling. It’s my happy place. Ocean side, crashing waves on rocks, sunshine, and just me and this place.  Everything else melts away.

Allison, 50, Washington, DC

Q: What is success?

A: Being clear on deeply held values. Living a life based on deeply held values. Having a healthy relationship with myself, knowing how I feel, being able to express how I feel.

Mark, 61, Editor, Washington, DC

Success is being authentic and true to your values. Living them, finding someone who shares them.  It’s also helping people in some way.

I recently took a trip to south of France, the whole time I was thinking, “This is living! All the money we earned, all the work paid off, I knew it was going to end, but I was present when I was there, and it was wonderful.  That felt like success to me.

Cindi, 48, Career Mom, Fort Collins, Colorado

Success is about feeling content and being ok with who you are.

Mark, 58, Military Recruiter/Chaplain, Memphis, Tennessee

Q: What is your definition of success?

A: It’s complicated. It is a completion of something. It is a personal sense.  It is a life content and at peace.  It is not necessarily a destination.  It is probably more about growth and development of someone or something.  It is a feeling of inner peace and contentment.

Isobel, 77, Teacher, Technical Illustrator, Clothing Designer, Librarian, Southern Oregon, Santa Cruz, CA, Humbolt County, CA, Costa Rica

Q: How do you define success?

A: I feel successful when I know my presence has changed the lives of others in positive ways. 

But when I was younger and a clothing designer, I felt I achieved great success if I received  positive affirmations from famous people. 

My idea of success is my happy place which is a colorful sunrise or sunset.  It could also be a community of GOOD people.  Our culture’s standard definition of success creeps me out.

Rosie, 57, Retail Store Manager, Detroit, Michigan

Success is personal happiness.  It’s stress free.  It’s a happy family.  It’s working to do the things you want to do.  It’s sitting in a forest, looking at birds, feeling freedom, being able to do the things you love – playing tennis, breathing easily, having good relationships with people.  It’s taking care of people, having a happy marriage, a beautiful marriage.  It’s being blessed with the spirit of human kind and Mother Earth.

Steve, 56, Freshmen Composition Teacher

Q: Where is home? A: Detroit Michigan, or in books, or in my wife’s arms

Success is seeing a student around town I haven’t seen in years come up to me and shake my hand.  I work my ass off to change the world in my own way.

Being on a mountain, skiing, being together with my wife anywhere.  That is success.  Loving people, especially those who take us for who we are. 

Jeff, 58, Mergers & Acquisitions, Walnut Creek, CA, Reno, NV, Norwich, NY

Success is about balance.  Balance in friendships, family, relationship, work, exercise. Balance in interacting with people and my environment.  In my 20’s it was about finding a job that was developing my skills and allowed me to be financially self-supporting.  My achievement in sports was also part of my success back then.

Success is explaining something about how the world works with my kids, having an intelligent conversation where a light bulb goes off.  Or when I’m with a paying client and a light goes off in a meeting with them, and I’m helping them, and they get it.  It’s fun and energizing for me to be in a discussion with them.  It’s motivating for me, it feels successful.

Jim, 50, Musician/Producer, Portland, OR

Success is autonomy.  Happiness.  Utility. (Having use in the universe, in society.)

Q: Has your definition of success changed through the years?

A: Yes.  I added “utility.”  In my 20’s I wanted to change the world.  Make it peaceful, that would have been success to me then.  Hiking with my 9-year-old twin girls, that’s success.

Joanne, 83, Retired Primary School Teacher, La Grande, OR and Lopez Island, WA 

As a teacher I would have defined success as having patience, observing, knowing the children, encouraging them, letting them know that you are a friend, having them trust you.

In a broader sense, it’s having peace of mind.  It’s knowing that you’ve done your best work. Encouraging people of any age - generally encouraging people to try important things.  Success is not giving up on people, or children, or pets.

Q: Has your definition of success changed through the years?

A: Yes.  When I started teaching, I was frantic and wanted to do my best, it was nerve racking. I learned to do my best when I had studied and knew the material.  I wasn’t that mature, I didn’t realize if I had success.  I had a Principal that encouraged me and had faith in me.  He made me stronger, that felt successful. Now success is happiness.  My greatest joy is the feeling of my former students visiting me with their children.  This interview makes me stop and think.  It’s an interesting topic.

Kerry. 52, Retired Career Mom, Yoga Teacher, Reno, Nevada 

My current definition of success is feeling completely content with the content of my life. It’s acceptance with where I am in my life, what is in my life, what I’m doing with my life, who is in my life.  It’s also very personal. My definition of success may change depending on what’s happening to me at any given moment.  It also has to do with life-long learning. Continual learning means I’m successful.

The feeling of driving or hiking and turning a corner and suddenly seeing the wide expanse of the mountains unfold before me, and then hearing a cold mountain stream waterfall beside me.  This fills up my soul as I soak it in.  This is success.

Hans, 58, Neurosurgeon, Fort Collins, Colorado

Stephen Curry of the Warriors said he knew he was successful when he was invited to the White House, and got all those accolades, awards, etc.  I feel that I know I’m successful when I don’t give a shit about any of that stuff.

(Note: this is a work in progress.  Any comments or thoughts are really appreciated.)